Oh my mind has been everywhere lately. I don't know where to start but if I don't blog it, within days the thoughts are gone and I want to remember it. All of it. The good, the fun, the bad, the stressful, the hard.
Right now, I seem to be focusing on the hard a bit more than usual. This is the week I have been dreading for months. The week two of our closest friend families move. I went through this last summer when the Noakes family moved. I feel like we are losing the kids' cousins, aunts, uncles and sisters all in two days. Mentally I have been prepared for this for months, but this week seems like it is transpiring in slow motion. I couldn't even sit in church on Sunday without being a total wreck. I had to go walk around the temple for ten minutes just to collect myself during Relief Society. I am so grateful for a temple so close. It seemed to reach out and embrace me with its presence and gave me the courage to keep facing this week.
It was hard to come back from our trip. In fact I blogged the post below the night I flew home but decided not to post it until I had better perspective on it. It was not easy flying with all the kids alone. In fact, an accident happened in Nashville, during our four hour layover and a toddler ran full on into Hailey and broke one of her front top teeth. There I was sitting with our three year old, blood everywhere, Karli running off and Ethan and Brynlee balling and praying behind one of the counters in the airport and no one to stop and help. If it weren't for my mom and Jon Bowen I think I would have given up right then and there.
I learned the next day (Monday) that Hailey needs surgery and will have surgery from the incident this Thursday. The boy broke her tooth in half, except the broken part is up in her gums and she needs to be put under and have an oral surgeon remove both parts of the tooth. I am scared for her, scared because Ammon can't get it off and I will have the other kids with me, and sad that she will have an open gap for a front tooth for the next three years. Luckily it didn't damage her permanent tooth, but Ethan is seven and still hasn't lost his big front tooth. It may be a while until her new one grows in. Why does this stuff always happen to me? Luckily, after a tearful conversation with my mom, she reminded me of all the medical things that had happened with me and my siblings growing up and I realized I wasn't alone...

I was so homesick coming home this time. It was always so easy to return before, knowing what was here waiting when we got back. This time, with our trip over, I dreaded coming home. I dreaded facing our ward with all its' holes now, I dreaded not having my best friends close anymore and a drive away, and I dreaded having to start all over again. Sometimes I wonder why we are supossed to be so far away from home. I wonder that almost daily now. I know there is a purpose here and I have to patiently await that with time I'll understand the Lord's purposes for our family here in Ohio but everyday it isn't easy. Each trip back from home makes it harder to be away from family and I have to hold on to the greater faith those times.
It was also hard leaving my grandma. She cried the morning we left and kept asking me what death was like and wondering if she would ever see my kids in this life again. I hated to leave her. I tried to reassure her that no matter what, we would be together again, but I couldn't promise her it would be in this life. How difficult it must be to be so close to death. I can't fathom it. Though, she is 89 years old and still as fun, humorous and delightful as ever. I was so grateful for this trip and the time I got to spend with her. I treasure all the trips home, but this one was especially tender. I wandered all around her house, soaking in the memories of having my childhood there. I showed our kids the wonderful places that I hid, the hill I climed everyday, and told them the stories of when I was little. It was so wonderful to reminise and say "good-bye" to that house as I remembered it, just in case it had been good-bye for real this time.

Anyway, I can't dwell on this for very long but the next five days are going to be some of the hardest in my life. I have to get through this and put my chin up and foot forward and be ok with it because if I don't I might wallow in it for too long. I hate change. I know it is for growth, but I don't feel like growing anymore just yet. Why can't it all be a little bit more simple?